Return

Six years ago today in Albany, NY, I weighed my three suitcases for the seemingly countless time, anxiously watched the scale hit almost exactly 50 lbs for each one, thanked the Lord for a kind ticket agent who waived the fee for one of my bags, shed tears as I hugged my family goodbye, went through security and sat at my gate waiting to board my flight and begin my journey to Germany.

I was no stranger to goodbyes, moving, transition or travel and yet you may never have seen a more reluctant or terrified traveler. What was I thinking? Who did I think I was going to teach students French in Germany? Had I really heard Jesus correctly? Didn’t He know that I had no teacher training or experience and had not used the French language in well over a decade? Never have I had a more blunt conversation with the Lord. In no uncertain terms I let Him know that the ONLY reason I was getting on that plane was because I knew in my heart it would be straight up disobedience to stay. So I somewhat begrudgingly got on that plane. Although I doubt I am the first missionary to feel this way it is not the typical story that you send home to supporters. However, I am so thankful for God’s grace and patience with me. As I tell my students, He is big enough for all our fears and doubts. He graciously listened to me and then very clearly led me to His Word (Psalm 28) and reminded me that He who had called me would provide ALL that I needed as I stepped out in obedience, even if it was reluctantly.

I stand in awe remembering the million and one ways the Lord has provided for me in the last six years! From giving me an unexpected love for teaching middle schoolers, to providing faithful supporters who have stood with me for six years, to amazing staff to mentor and help me grow as a teacher, etc.

Danish philosopher Soren Kierkegaard said that “Life can only be understood backwards, but it must be lived forward.” God tells His people over and over to REMEMBER! This message is one I am preaching to myself these days as I need to remember His faithfulness, His provision, His grace, His strength then in order to have the courage to live and move forward and once again board a plane. This time the situation is different. My reluctance is for very different reasons but the fact that I can’t escape, the thing that is the same, is His call. To stay would be saying ‘no’ to His voice. I feel it as strongly as I felt His call to stay on December 14^th when my Mom suffered her stroke. What a gift and blessing it has been to be here the last seven months and serve my parents in this way. These months have been the hardest I have ever experienced. But the beautiful thing is that I can look back to my childhood, I can look back to six years ago, or I can look back at the last seven months and see His faithfulness in the midst of stress, exhaustion, doubts and fears. He has walked with me into the unknown, He has walked with me through the valley of the shadow of death, and He will walk with me as I return to Germany and ‘normal’ life.

Life can only be understood backwards but must be lived forward. And so I move forward on August 14^th and will once again board a plane. There are moments when I feel excitement to return to my apartment, my students, my friends and colleagues. And then there are moments when the thought of leaving Mom (and Dad) feels unbearable. While Mom has made amazing progress she is not where I had hoped she would be when I left. While leaving will be difficult, I am so thankful for my parent's whole-hearted support.

Could I once again ask for your prayers?

• Would you pray that I would lean on His strength and courage to board that plane?
• Would you pray that as a family we would continue to trust Him even in the midst of the hardships of this year?
• Would you pray for the Lord to provide just the right ones to care for my Mom after my departure?
• Would you pray for my Dad as he juggles it all? Pray for physical strength and health as he juggles work, therapy, doctors’ appointments and Mom’s care?
• Would you pray for me as I transition from the crisis and intensity of the last few months to ‘normal’ life again?
• Would you keep praying for healing for my Mom? Pray that the Lord would restore her left arm and leg so that she could have increased mobility and independence?

Thank you for your love, support and prayers for me and for our family! You will never know what a gift it is and has been!!

On July 28, 2010 Jesus gave me this Psalm and I cling to it once again on July 28, 2016.

To you, O LORD, I call; my rock, be not deaf to me…
Hear the voice of my pleas for mercy, when I cry to you for help…
Blessed be the Lord! For he has heard the voice of my pleas for mercy. The LORD is my strength and my shield; in Him my heart trusts and I am helped…
The LORD is the strength of his people, he is the saving refuge of his anointed. Oh, save your people and bless your heritage! Be their shepherd and carry them forever. (excerpts of Psalm 28)

(Last weekend Jesus gave us a rare moment for the four of us to be together before my return. We weren't in a hospital or a rehab center and were able to truly enjoy being together. Thankful for my Mom and for my sisters!)